Wheeler's Journal

charlie and i being white trash. (im not really that fat..for some reason the way my upperbody is turned makes it look that way)

we are so much alike its kind of ridiculous...

he got upset last night cuz i told his brother that we had sex. he said that i didnt do anything wrong, he just hates feeling jealous about mine and trevors relationship even though we're just friends. i feel so bad, but i also told him that i cant do anything to change it, and he was like, i dont want u to change it cuz then i would feel like a controlling boyfriend.

i dunno what to tell him!! it seems like hes just so scared of being with me, but i dont want him to be scared anymore. i just dont know what to do...

charlie and i are good. very good. yesterday was a really good day:

charlie and i had a very good morning ;)
i spent the majority of the day with him.
tasha got fired from work.
jade and i kissed in the back (oops but hells yeah!)
shannon is giving me two days of double shifts next week.
i get to mostly work with tate.
charlie told his brothers to stop flirting with me.
hes becoming extremely affectionate towards me when hes sober and in public.

yayyy.


i eat one meal a day and then i drink my supper every night. i get max 6 hours of sleep and i work up to 7 hours every day. i dont think im leading the healthiest life style right now...

if im so pretty and everything, then y dont i have someone in my life that loves me? i dont even care about how i look anymore and im getting tired of hearing how pretty and hot i am from the guys at work. i would trade it all in just to have someone that cared about me the way i care about them.

for once in my life, im really really lonely...

yesterday this guy matt called me and asked me if i wanted to b in a tv pilot. haha. so i went to this guy rocky's house and played the part of the "two bit whore" for their tv pilot competition. it was fun, matthew is hilarious.

im working tuesday, wednesday, friday, sunday, and monday of this week. its gonna b intense, but ill hopefully b makin mulaaa.

charlie and i talked last night and he just kept apologizin for the whole jesse situation. he said that it hurt him really badly to see me cry and that even tho hes been tryin to prevent himself from caring about me, that night made him realize that he does. i told him that im still hurt and need some time to think about what to do, and that he should take time to think about if hes ready for a relationship. he said that he knows hes bein ridiculous for still bein afraid and that he knows he needs to get over it. but he also said he understands if i just want to ditch him. i told him that we both need like a week to think and its just been so much on my mind lately that i need time to get to that point where ive stopped thinking about it.

i care about him more than ive ever cared about any guy and this is the closest ive ever been to having a real relationship. i hope he comes around by the end of our little break and realizes that this would b a great thing for both of us.

sigh.

i just cant completely eliminate charlie from my life. i know that i deserve better and blah blah blah. but i CANT DO IT. i dont know how its so easy for other people, but its not easy for me, not even close. so here was our first convo since the incident (text messages)

charlie: hi...:-(
me: whats up
charlie: chillin. you?
me: same
charlie: cool.
me: yeah, its thrilling
charlie: i know, right
me: i want u to know that im not mad about last night, but im still pretty upset. it really hurt my feelings.
charlie: i know it wasnt cool. i really am sorry
me: me too. and to rub it in my face like that was one of the most hurtful things ive ever dealt with. i just dont know what to do about the whole thing.
me: i know from ur perspective i have no reason to be upset but i am. everyone says i should just forget about u, but i cant cuz most importantly ur my friend
charlie: i like bein friends to but i dont know what to say about the rest
me: i know. i think we just need time away from each other. i hate for things to change bcuz i liked where we were at. but i guess time apart would b a good idea
charlie: ok then..i did too

im dreading what its gonna b like after our break. i just hate when things change between me and someone that i hang out with and talk to every single day. its already been hard not having him to talk to :(.

well i had the shittiest night of my life last night. i go to charlies house and me, charlie, tony, trevor, dave, and javi all go to this guy matthews house. well trevor and i get there first and we're waiting forever. turns out that the boys made a little detour to pick up jesse and jaye. first of all, i dont really like jesse all that much. she and charlie have a history and i think shes immature and unattractive. so i knew as soon as she showed up already wasted that somethin was goin down. sure enough she and charlie were makin out all night...in front of me! like, what the shit? so i get upset cuz im drunk, and because i would have to be a fucking robot not to be upset aobut something like that. well dave sees that im upset and goes for a walk with me. we come back and i text charlie that i need to talk to him because hes also been ignoring me all night. i tell him that im upset that hes fucking kissin jesse right in front of me, and of course he pulls out the whole, "well are we dating?" line. and im like, no we're not, but u know how i feel about u and u knew that i would get upset. i was like, everything last night u said was bullshit and u obviously dont care about me because u would have had more consideration than this. he was like, thats not true, i care about u a lot and i remember everything i said last night and it was true, i wouldnt be talking to u right now if it wasnt true. he said that he was scared of how close we were getting and that he knew we were at a point where we could only move forward and start dating or move backwards and he chose to move backwards, which makes him a conniving son of a bitch. i told him that he said he was afraid of a relationship because he would get hurt but look who was the one who got hurt tonight, and that i couldnt believe i even thought about losing my virginity to him. i was like, and if jesse's spending the night tonight, where the fuck am i supposed to go? he was like, sleep on the couch. and i just looked at him and was like, u expect me to sleep on the couch when i know what u and jesse are doing in ur bedroom. ive never slept on the couch before, i always sleep in ur bed, make her sleep on the couch. and he was just like, well sleep with trevor, yall seem to always be all over each other. i got pissed and was like, trevor is all over me, i have no interest in trevor what so ever (that rhymed). and he was just like, i have to get back to the party, i love you, we'll talk more about this tomorrow.
so then i just started throwin back drinks, drove dave back to his apartment and then drove trevor and javi home. trevor left to go meet someone and i fell asleep in his bed. then he fuckin came home right when i was about to go to sleep and got in the bed with me. i just kept hopin that he would leave me alone and he finally did and slept on the floor. then in the morning he got in the bed of course, so i moved into the living room and slept on the couch. tony and jaye were definitely havin sex on the couch in the morning. and jesse came in wearing one of charlies tshirts. then everyone woke up and was having a fun little party in charlies room so i decided it was probably best for me to leave and i tried to slam the door as loudly as possible when i left.

and now, i dont know what to do. things are never going to be the same between me and charlie. he really fucked it up good. its going to be hard for me to stay mad at him forever because hes also like my best friend and i care about him as a friend and as more than that, im pretty much crazy about him. but i know that i need to ditch him. its just hard, cuz im so close to him and was so close to having a relationship and finally having someone care about me as much as i care about them and if i just forget about him and move on, im gonna have to start from scratch. and im going to have to go through a longass period of time before i stop having feelings for charlie and am able to start caring about someone else.

any advice?

last night was resonably eventful. (the way im typing right now is hurting my shoulder for some reason.) anyways, i had work until 1 last night but i didnt leave until 2. my manager seemed to get on my case a lot last night too. he got mad at me for turning a couple away at 5 til 1 cuz the only cook remaining told me not to seat anyone else. o well tho. two of the guys at work asked me for my number last night. bridge and rhino, who are both 24. bridge is a sweetheart and rhino is just badass and i get along with him really well. both nice guys. the guy that i think is hot is jade tho. hes like 22 i think and he hits on me hardcore. but i dont mind cuz i find it flattering. plus i wouldnt mind messin around with him.

then after work i went over to this guy xanders house cuz charlie was there and tony and javi had come down from austin and were there too. then i told them that corey still had beer left so we went over to coreys house cuz his mom is gone for two weeks. drank a bit there and then headed over to charlies where i spent the night. definitely passed the fuck out cuz i was so tired from work. woke up and messed around cuz we always mess around before we go to sleep and then mess around in the morning. i hate doin the morning mess around tho cuz my eyes are always puffy from sleep and i think i look so ugly. then kylekins called me and asked me if i wanted to go get some lunch at chilis. i decided i definitely like working at fridays cuz the hostesses are so much friendlier there than at chilis. they dont even greet u at the door or anything. bitches.

tonight: coreys? watchin boxing with rhino? valenes? partyin wit linds? partyin with herms? shiiiiit, party overload, cannot compute, cannot compute.
automatic shutdown in 5...
4...
3...
2...
1

no really they do, it's kinda disgusting.

work was kinda stressful today. i got validated today which means im now making minimum wage. all the people who work there are like, shit ur still here? and i was like, yeah im working 7 hours tonight. and they were like, oh shit i only worked like 3 hours when i was training..blah blah blah piss off u fuckin asshole for rubbin it in that im working FOREVER tonight and cant go out. but yeah, work was still fun i really love it. however, the other hostess who was supposed to close with me tonight got sick and had to leave early so i had to close all by myself and i still cant stop going over all the stuff i was supposed to do and worrying that i forgot something. i just dont want to get yelled at cuz i havent gotten yelled at yet.

i think george is attracted to me. all the guys at work seem to gravitate towards me for some reason. i think its cuz im new. but this guy bridge who is 24 was definitely flirting with me and freaked out when i told him i was 18. then he went and asked jamie if i would date someone who was 24 and told ehr to put in a good word for me. hes real sweet tho and doesnt hit on me in a creepy way like some of the guys there do. but i think the only guys i find attractive there are this guy trevor and this guy jade. other than that theyre all too old for me that its a turn off.

charlie called me tonight and wanted to hang out with me. i wish i could have cuz corey just came back from california and i wanted to see him. trevor also called and was begging me to come over. it was actually really sweet and put me in a good mood, cuz its always nice to know that people miss u when ur not there and crave ur company. but i just couldnt cuz i went over there last night and watched tv movies with charlie until like 4 in the morning (it was really cute cuz we were curled up on the couch together like a married couple or something...i honestly dont know whats goin on in that boys head about our relationship status tho). but yeah, came home at 430 and my mom kinda was upset in the morning. just sayin, "theres no reason for u to be coming home at 430 in the morning, wah wah wah wah wah (imagine the noise that adults make in the charlie brown cartoons)." my parents have been really cool lately and i definitely appreciate it.

that was a fuckin long ass entry. whats up with that? i think i must just be delirious from 7 hours of being on my feet.

Charlie and I had a good night last night, and by that i mean that i didnt piss him off and he didnt piss me off. we stopped by his friend lucy's house to see a couple of his friends that just graduated form alamo heights. this girls house was absolutely amazing, like something out of laguna beach. my house definitely doesnt even compare. o well tho, when im famous ill have a better house.

i definitely came even closer to havin sex with charlie than i have yet so far. i just keep tryin to tell him what im so scared about and he doesnt understand. im scared that hes gonna treat me like shit afterwards cuz he finally got his goal (sometimes i wonder if thats why guys hook up with me after they find out im a virgin, so that they can be the one guy who finally takes it). im also afraid that hes gonna wanna have sex all the time, or that im gonna wanna have sex all the time. im scared that he doesnt like me as much as he says he does. i also would break rules that i set for myself. i wanted to at least be in a relationship with the person. and i think right now i like charlie a lot more than he likes me, and thats a shitty way to feel as it is. i think ill just feel even worse about that if i have sex with him cuz its gonna mean a lot more to me than it does to him. blahhhh too much to think about!!

work is goin well. i like everybody that im working with, and its not that hard of a job. theres this really cute guy workin as a waiter there and i think he thinks im cute. but i havent seen him in a couple days and im sad.
i work real late for the rest of the week tho and that kinda sucks. im workin wednesday, thursday, and friday till like 12 and 1 in the morning. which means i cant go out the rest of the week and thats y i forced charlie to hang out with me last night.

alright well, if anyone wants to go see me perform one dance at my dance recital ur welcome to. just let me know. im tryin to talk charlie into goin cuz he keeps sayin im prolly a bad dancer and i wanna show him that i might not play sports, i might not b the best actress, i might not have the most amazing personality, or be the hottest girl he knows, but when it comes to dance i dominate. dance is the one thing that im amazing at. eh i dunno.

im gonna copy frank and record all the places ive applied to these past couple weeks:

petco
petsmart
the container store
old navy
borders
barnes & nobles
claire's
bath & body works
pac sun
tai pei
abercrombie
abercrombie & fitch
hollister
agaci 2

no one will hire me!

sometimes charlie can be real ridiculous. tonight he texted me five times while i was sitting next to him worrying that he was texting another girl and teasing him about it at the same time. all of his text messages said, sarah please spend the night. all of them. then when i took him home he stole my keys so that i would spend the night. i was about to knee him in the balls, seriously. then, the whole entire time i was driving him home he was texting me and telling me he missed me. i told him to stop texting me cuz he was just embarrassing himself...i know, im a bitch..but he stopped.

i miss my lindsay boo and even tho im textin her right now i wish i could see her!!

love you babycakes!

(i sound like such a lesbo, but im just drunk)

i dunno how much longer i can live at home. i need more freedom and for my parents to b less overbearing and protective...
any advice?
anybody wanna let me stay with them if i decide to leave?
blahhh
my parents dont realize how good they have it. im goin to one of the best colleges in texas, im passing all my classes, im not pregnant, im not working as a stripper, i dont even have a boyfriend, im not addicted to meth or coke....ughhhhh, so y dont they give me a little more liberty?
i seriously dont know how much longer i can put up with it.

yestaday my daddy left me the car to go job hunting...what time did i actually leave the house? 3. what did i go do? went out to eat with charlie. haha o well. charlie and i went to eat at chili's and saw some of those idiot juniors from idub. i dunno if yall heard about this, but before school they painted their cars and then drove to central where they proceeded to get into several car accidents...dumbasses. anyways, then after that i picked up some job apps and went home.

lata i had to get out of the house so i went to starbucks to wait for the spurs game to be over. so i get my coffee and i go to sit outside and i see this real cute guy starin at me, so i go over and i sit with him (i was very proud of myself for being so courageous). he turned out to be real nice, kinda dorky..ok really dorky, but easy to talk to. he was fuckin intelligent as shiiit. but still kinda weird..his gf is bi..i dunno thats just kinda strange to me. not that i have anything against bein bi, i just dont think i could date a guy who was bi. but anyways, he was very interesting, easy to talk to, cute, and it was a good way to pass the time.

finally i embarked on my night. went over to pick up charlie at some apartment complex, sat at the pool for like two minutes when a cop showed up. so we all ran and hid and then finally charlie and i decided to leave. charlie was bein fuckin annoying as hell on the car ride. he kept kissin my shoulder and rubbing my thighs and i was tryin to drive. the party that lindsay told me about got busted and so i went to this party at camp bullis. it turned out to be one big ass fucking reunion with all the crazy party kids from high school. brian pollock, cullen mcgehee, and a bunch of other people. it was a lot of fun, but charlie got real wasted and passed out in my car on the way home. however, when we got back to his house he had sobered up a little and was a lot more fun. i told him that i really wished we were in a relationship and that i really liked him a lot, and he was like, i really like u a lot too, but im just not good with relationships :(. o well, maybe someday.

man, i just got back from seein the lion king at the majestic and holy shit was it amazing. the costumes, the music, the singing, the scenery..all of it was just breathtaking. i definitely strongly recommend it for everyone!! makes me want to be on broadway real bad...

on another note, charlie called right at the beginning of intermission and i had a feeling he would have asked me to come over if i hadnt been at the lion king, but now im worried he has girls over at his house. i dont care if he kisses another girl or anything, i just dont want another girl spending the night. and i think thats pretty reasonable right?? i dunno, maybe im a little overly jealous for the situation that we're in.

last night i went over to charlie's again and we played a lot of quarters, i was ready to head home when i decided to be rebellious and drop my car off at my house and then head back to charlies. so i did. his friend corey followed me home and then drove me back in his car. we sorta bonded and he told me that he was ready to make out with this girl randy who was at charlies house even tho he has a girlfriend. everyone was flirting with randy and she and charlie were kinda snuggling(?) on the couch..not snuggling, just sitting really close and it pissed me off. but he told me that he wasnt all over her, she was all over him. i really like him a lot :(. i wish he would tell me how he felt about me, im gettin real frustrated. anyways, i got real drunk last night and fell asleep in charlies bed again..of course. then this morning i had like 10 missed calls from my mom, but she wasnt mad or anything which is a big deal. then he fed me chef boyardee ravioli and drove me home, which was very uncharlie-like. sometimes he acts like hes a jerk, but i have a feeling he really does like me a lot, maybe not in the way i wish he did, but i still value that a lot.

i need a job.

so i think i should start writing in this thing more often because its a miracle i remember the shit i do half of the time..considering alcohol is a factor in my social life.

wednesday i came back to sa-town and was immediately contacted by charlie which was nice. he called me and told me i should come over and chill with him and his friends. i was sure it would turn into the whole allison situation (she visited him over christmas and he had some girls over and completely ignored her), but it wasnt like that. we just chilled with his brother and three of his guy friends. i took that to be a badass thing considerin most guys dont like to let a girl in when its just guys. it definitely meant a lot to me that he asked me to come over. his brother got drunk and was molesting me tho..which wasnt cool. anyways, charlies friends were are really nice, especially perry who kept askin me questions about myself and who was really really funny.

friday night, i went to this party with charlie and perry, but perry got in trouble for inviting people to it and so we got kicked out. o well though cuz we went to this random ass ranch party where i only knew like three people. charlie got drunk and finally explained to me why we never ended up being in a relationship. apparantly hes still in love with his exgirlfriend whom he dated for a year and a half but hasnt talked to in over a year. he told me he feels real bad about what im goin through and wishes his history could have been different because if it was, we would totally be together right now. i told him that i still liked him even though i try to talk myself out of it everyday, and that the more i hang out with him the more i like him. he got real wasted and i spent the night at his house. i woke up to find his mom in the kitchen and freaked out because not only could i not find my underwear (how fucking embarrassing is that??) i wasnt sure how she would react to finding me in her house. turns out she didnt mind too much cuz i had to get her to unlock the screen door for me and she just joked with me about how i was trapped in their house.

went back to austin yesterday to study for my final today..but i didnt do much studying. myspace and facebook are evil and should be destroyed. i dont care if i fail tho cuz i think i can still get a d in the class if i do, which is fine by me

i applied to work at petco, petsmart, and the container store. i really hope i hear back from one of them!!

that was long and i apologize...love you all!

http://www.TechFreebie.com/index.php?r=863

i can get a free camera if yall give em ur email addy!

capote is an awesome movie!

Soooo, i auditioned for the ut dance team. and found out an hour later that i made it! the girls showed up at my door and told me that i made it and that i was the only girl that they picked! im so excited and its gonna b badass. plus i can tell everyone that im a member of texas dance, even though we're really not in the limelight that much. we just dance at stuff around campus, not like at football games or anything. but its still badass and i cant wait to get started and to get to know the girls

False Alarm...it was all just drunken bullshit. i hate boys.